One Last Time
by lilabut
Summary: Edward never returned in New Moon and Bella is now married to Jacob. Thirteen years have passed and Bella seems to have a happy life. But then she makes a discovery which makes her doubt if the life she lives is really what she wants. Switzerland
1. Promise

I own nothing. All those lovely characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.

I am from Germany, so my English isn´t perfect, but I hope I tried my best.

I wrote this for a good friend of me.

**Hope you enjoy it!**

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Promises are the uniquely human way of ordering the future.

_**Hannah Arendt**_

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He had promised. All those years ago. Promised to leave my mind, my thoughts, my memories the moment he stepped out of my life, taking me with him, leaving my body as a shell, empty and broken, all alone. Weak and vulnerable, unwilling to let go of the precious memories which were, though he'd promised the opposite, still in my head.

Life had meant little to me those days. I lived only because I knew how much it would hurt my parents to loose me.

But there had been another reason for me to keep on breathing, letting my heart beat and violently pushing myself out of bed every single morning to face another day instead of just staying there, immobile, and waiting for my time to pass.

Apart from all the pain and emptiness I felt inside of me, there was still hope. And it kept me going. The hope that he might change his mind one day and return to me.

Hope was black and white. I hoped, but I knew at the same time that he would not come back. He was gone. In the truest sense of the word, gone _forever_.

It had taken me a year of my life before I finally started to feel the need to breathe again, the value of every single heartbeat. A year and Jacob. After all I finally started to consider the possibility to find something else worth living for. And I did.

Another six months of doubt, frustration and the endless feeling to have to find someone better than me to love Jacob just the way he deserved.

But in the end I finally realized that he wanted no one else but me, that he knew I would never love him the way I once loved Edward, that the remaining pieces of my old self were enough for him. All that made me love him in return. More than I had once thought possible.

I was happy again.

And with each passing day Edwards promise seemed to finally come true. He left me, a little bit more every day. I let my mind erase what hurt me, something I had so desperately tried to prevent before, afraid to completely forget him, afraid he would one day just be something about which you have to wonder whether it had been a dream or reality. But now, I knew I had to.

I realized that my life had never been bound to Edward. That was just what I had felt. But I had been wrong. This was _my_ life and _I_ was the only one in control of it.

I was alive again. And I was suddenly ambitious to make up for what I'd lost, the year I had wasted. Graduation went more than well, college was set, my time with Jacob and my family planned, a visit to Florida in the making. Everything suddenly started to work out just the way I wanted it to.

Still, there was a shadow above all my sudden luck. And it was red-haired and vicious. Victoria.

She, along with fading memories and a scar at my wrist, was the last reminder of my past.

For three years she haunted me, visiting me in my dreams, forcing the pack to chase her, keeping me in unbearable fear to loose any one them, especially Jacob. He was most important to me now and I couldn't stand the thought of loosing him because of my past. It would again be my fault.

He always tried to soothe me. Whenever he visited me or I was in Forks over the weekends he attempted to impress me with his strength, showing me how nothing could ever brake him.

He never convinced me. But he made me smile. And smiling always makes things easier.

Then one day, she vanished. Suddenly my countless nightmares of the red-haired beauty climbing through my window like a cat were gone. No more cursed dreams in which I saw Jacobs lifeless eyes. She was gone.

And nobody could explain why. We were all worried, afraid it was another of her diabolical plans to catch me. But after another year had passed without any sign of my living nightmare we all settled with the thought that some force had crossed her path, whatever it was - we couldn't explain -, which had stopped her or at least distracted her.

So for the time being, nothing inflicted my happiness.

And nothing had really changed about that peace - until today.

It had started out to be a day like every other, still, a little sunnier and brighter than days usually were in La Push, but on the whole, average.

Jacob woke me with a soft kiss on my nose and a whispered _"Morning, honey."_ And so another day had started with blushed cheeks and a shy smile on my face.

Breakfast was a long procedure, just like every day.

Jacob went off to his garage and I was left with getting the kids ready. Just like every other day.

I dropped Emma off at school, kissing her head, covered by thick, black hair, and waved her goodbye, feeling the familiar agony to see her leaving. Just like every day.

Noah denied me a kiss on his cheek in front of his friends when I dropped him off at his nursery school, but still whispering a _"Love you, Mum."_ into my ear. Just like every day.

My eyes lasted on the horizon, far away over the ocean, when I passed First Beach on my way to Forks. Just like every day.

The one slight difference was that I wasn't heading to work today. It was Charlie's house I planned to go to. He had renovated my old room, which had been a guestroom ever since I moved out. Well, for the most part it had been me choosing the colours and Jacob repapering the walls.

So today, it was my turn again to arrange the furniture and decorate. And I was looking forward to do so. A day off - I really needed that.

My thoughts were calm and nicely easy to think at first while I drove at a steady pace toward my old house.

Mostly I was planning the rest of my day. What would do after finishing the room? Lunch for Charlie? Some clean-up at home? A walk on First Beach? Helping Jacob in the garage? Maybe I could visit Emily again before I picked up the kids and made their lunch…

I was totally lost in my thoughts and couldn't quite follow them anymore after a while. By the time I approached Charlie's house I had landed on a blue summer dress and asking Jacob about a trip to Canada this winter.

There were road works in front of Charlie's house, so I stopped the car around a corner and stepped out into the soft breeze of the wind….

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**Well, I know the first chapter is kind of boring, but there will me more exciting stuff during the next chapters. Please review and tell what you like ord what you didn´t like so I can improve my writing.**


	2. Father

**Thank you very much for all the reviews! **

I own nothing. All those lovely characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.

**Hope you enjoy it!**

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Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter.

In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express.

_**Joseph Addison**_

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Charlie was, as usual, euphoric to see me. A huge smile spread across his aged face when he opened the door for me.

Me moving out had been hard for him. I might not have been living with him for too long but still, having someone around him every day after all the years of solitude since my mother had left him, had given him new spirit. Fearing he'd loose it again once I moved out to go to college I practically hired Billy to find someone for my dad. Someone who could replace me in a way, someone to be with Charlie.

It made me feel guilty, but in a way, it felt like doing something really good. And after all, it had been worth the doubts.

A couple of years ago, Billy had introduced Charlie to a women named Sally Brown. And today, she was practically my second mum, though the two of them still did not live together. Both of them knew more than well how very badly a relationship could end.

Me knowing this far too good as well, never complained about their decision.

Giving birth to my children had not only been the greatest gift for me and Jacob, it had also made Charlie feel like he was young again, feeling like a real dad again after all the years in which there had been no need for a dad for me because I technically was not a child anymore.

He had been more than enthusiastic. When I first saw him holding my daughter, it had warmed my heart even more than the sight of Jacob holding the small, dark-haired bundle in his massive arms with tears in his eyes.

Charlie had not been crying, neither had a smile lit up his face. But never in my life had I seen such truth and honest affection toward someone in somebody's eyes.

Today we spent a lot of time with Charlie. He and Billy sometimes took the kids out fishing, always regretting it afterwards when they returned without a single fish due to my children's rather flashy voices.

Having Charlie available as a babysitter gave Jacob and me more freedom and space we had thought possible when I first found out I was pregnant. In the end everything had turned out easier than we had assumed. And definitely even more beautiful…

"You're looking tired, Bells."

Charlie seemed to be in a cheery mood, his voice sounding easy and his body moved more fluent than it usually did these days. Time had left it´s marks on my father. He was older, weaker but also happier.

Sometimes his thoughts seemed to be far away, though and those moments scared me. It always felt like he started to let go, to say goodbye. He was still young in a way. He was my dad so how should he ever seem like a granddad to my eyes?

"Well, actually I slept quite fine. Where is Sally?"

The living room, in which Charlie had led me, was empty, the television showing another baseball game. Even though they didn't live together officially, Sally spent most of her time at Charlie's house, so it slightly confused me not to see her here.

Charlie's answer was short while he fall back into his armchair.

"Port Angeles."

I nodded, eying the empty beer cans on the table.

"Dad?"

"Billy was here last night. We watched the game together."

He made a weird face and tried to hide the empty pizza carton on the floor by kicking it underneath the sofa.

"You're impossible. Why are you watching a rerun of the game, then?" I asked while bending down to pull the carton back from underneath the sofa.

"I was bored. Waiting for you."

"You could have cleaned up a bit while waiting, instead of making it worse."

He murmured something I couldn't understand while I carried the carton and the cans into the kitchen. Some muffled noise in the living room, followed by heavy footsteps announced Charlie's approach.

"You don´t have to clean up, Bells."

"It´s okay, Dad. I'm used to it, you know."

"Yeah, still, you make me feel guilty. I mean, all that you do for me. The room and helping me with Sally and… everything. You really shouldn't be helping me around that much."

Charlie's body swung from left to right and back again while he spoke, a painful expression burned on his face.

"Dad!"

I dropped the carton which fell onto the counter, staring at my father.

"I just mean…."

"Stop it!"

"What?"

"Saying stuff like that! After all you did for me? You're my father, for god's sake!"

"I don´t get your point, Bells."

"Neither do I get yours. Why do you think I shouldn't be helping you?"

A strange mixture between pain, guilt and anger boiled inside of me and I moved closer toward the door, where my father stood, still moving uneasy, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"You… you have your own life now. I mean…. Your not a child anymore. You have children yourself, you're married….. You should be concentrating on Jake and the kids, on your job… not me."

"Dad…"

My voice had dropped to a whisper and I grabbed my father's hand.

"Listen to me. Don´t you ever even think something like that. That´s insane. You always were and always will be a part of my life, no matter how it develops. How could you think something like that? You did so much for me, I owe you…"

"Bella…"

"No, don´t start again. Think about it and you'll see. I won't go anyways, no matter what you say. I love you, Dad."

"Love you, too, Bells…"

"So where's the problem?"

We both started to laugh and Charlie's head lifted. He smiled now and seemed rather relieved to have this subject talked over.

I dropped his hand and moved back to the counter but stopped after a few steps.

"Well, I suppose I'm here to do "girl stuff", right? So, I think I'll get started."

Charlie looked pleased when I made my way towards the stairs and started to move back to the living room.

"Hey!"

He winced and turned around, looking taken aback.

"What? Do you want me to get a heart attack?"

"Well, no. But I thought you might finish my work."

An expression of pure confusion appeared on Charlie's face causing me to start laughing.

"If I'm right, there is an empty pizza carton and several beer cans waiting to be disposed of in the kitchen. Since you don´t want me doing it and the thought of Sally being responsible for it all alone makes me feel guilty, you should probably start doing it yourself."

Charlie sighed and with a disgusted grin on his face he left for the kitchen.

"And don´t cheat!"

"Sure, sure!"

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**I just had to involve Charlie in this story. I love him.**

**I hope you liked this chapter, please tell me!**


	3. Memory

Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory.  
Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

**- _Mitch Albom_ -  
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My old room didn't look too different from what it had looked like when I still lived there. The furniture mostly stood in the same places, even though it was certainly not the same bed I had been sleeping in, anymore.

The walls were painted in a bright green and a rather dull ivory, making the wooden floor look very sophisticated.

A soft breeze moved the white curtains and some rays of sunlight reflected on the green walls, creating a spectacular mixture of colours and light.

If I were still living here, I would certainly love this room. No doubts I had developed a strange love-hate relationship for my old room, due to the various memories I shared with it.

I sighed. Not really much work to do here.

Sally had left flowers, bowls and all kind of random things on the bed, covered by a thick, flower-printed blanket. She really had done most of my job, and she had done it more than well.

Closing the door behind me, I stepped into the room, glancing around and breathing in the scent of fresh paint. Everything smelled and looked new and fresh but in a way it all seemed strangely familiar.

I walked over to the bed, letting my fingers brush over the new blanket before sitting down.

All those memories…

Just every time you go to a place you've seen before, all those old memories come crashing down on you, burying you underneath their heavy weight of emotions. Sadness, glory, happiness, doubts, passion, anger, serenity, humour, love…..

My eyes closed and I tried to picture what had happened in this room.

Memories from my childhood until today fluttered in front of my inner eye, confusing me. Most of them were blurry, due to the immense amount of time which had passed since those memories had been present. Others were dark und foggy – things which I didn't want to remember…. Some just consisted of colours and the vague shadow of a smell or sound…. There were those memories which were as clear as a picture framed behind glass… new and shiny, always clean und looked after, carefully sheltered. Those of which you are afraid to loose…

And then, there was my very own sort of memories. The kind of thoughts and pictures from which I partly wanted to leave my mind, but on the other hand, desperately tried to hold on to them. Just because they were so perfect. Like a fairy-tale I was told by my mom when I was a child, like a lullaby you long forgot, like the soothing sound of rain dripping against a window, like the brilliant sunlight burning it´s way through the thick layer of fog on a cold morning… Too beautiful to forget.

But remembering these so vivid memories, as clear as the rather recent or most precious ones, hurt. They were too beautiful to be real, and yet, one day, long ago, they had been real. In a reality which now was lost. _Now_ was sane and decent. A solid world. _Then _had been a dream.

And my memories resembled a dream. Clear as reality, but without any logical connection. Too colourful, too many details, too much things a normal memory could not offer. Intense scents, the exact feeling of things that were touched, sounds, just as distinct as though they were spoken in this very moment.

Knowing that all this had been true and lost, was crucial.

I loved my life, loved every piece of it. I could not be happier, neither did I ever feel the wish to trade it, change it or leave it, like I had so often before.

Seeing my children's smile, the flash in their eyes, hearing them laugh – I would never want to miss that.

But I knew that if I were given the choice at the time I chose my life the way it is now – my children's laughs for sure would never have been heard by anybody. They would not exist. Because I knew for sure which choice I would have made. Which path I would have chosen.

As much as I loved Jacob and my life, it – or lat least, at the time: the idea of it – could not have competed against the other alternative.

An eternity of youth, power and love. How could have something as simple as a happy life with a happy ending win over something otherworldly, magical? Who would chose reality if you were offered a dream, a fairy-tale?

I had accepted my loss a long time ago, learned to appreciate what I was given. But sometimes, when my mind was trailing off into the past, I dared to think about where I would be right now.

Too much time had passed to truthfully remember _them._ Him. _They_ now only existed in my memory.

My mind had, for a long time, tried too hard to forget them, every tiny piece of information, in order to keep myself alive, and so now basic pieces to the truth were missing. Pieces I needed to create a true picture of what might have been.

So now I was left with dreams and fantasies, seeing myself like a fairy in some mystic place.

I knew it was the complete opposite of what would actually have been, childish even, but how was I supposed to think differently? It was all that was left for me.

I opened my eyes again, blinking when the bright sunlight caused a stabbing pain inside my head. Turning my head in the direction of the door, my way crossed a mirror hanging next to the closet.

My eyes fixed on the woman staring back at me. Pale, long and dark hair, tired eyes, her shoulders hanging slightly from the weight of too many thoughts, shadows under her eyes, framed by tiny wrinkles.

It was me.

Me, looking the way I would never have looked like if my life went the way I wanted it to go.

Older, mature, aged. Time had taken my youth.

And now, there was no way back.

Never.

Deciding it was time to get started, I shook my head and got up from the bed, sighing. My feet already hurt. This morning I had decided to wear my new high heels. I had bought them last week, planning to wear them to the baptism of Sam and Emily's daughter Mia in two weeks.

Knowing myself far too well I knew that wearing those shoes for a whole day would probably destroy my feet, so it might be a good idea to wear them before in order to get used to them.

Great.

Now my feet would hurt for the rest of the week. But on the other hand, I had survived my wedding as well, so what was another single day compared to that?

Breathing in deeply I inhaled the sweet scent of flowers while I put them into a glass vase. This would be my final act here for today. All cushions were placed, old souvenirs placed on the ledge, bowls with flowers or candles placed on various surfaces. And now, there was the huge vase which my father had bought Sally for her birthday two years ago. It was now filled with the most amazing bouquet of flowers, all kind of colours.

I held the heavy vase in front of my body, eying my arrangement with a little pride. Then I let my eyes wander through the room, looking for the perfect spot to place it.

A small side table stood in the right corner of the room, a pile of books rested on top of it. This would be just perfect.

I carefully placed the vase on the desk and made my way toward the small wooden table. My fingers stroke over the book spines, feeling the rough material.

I recognized some of them as my own, the ones I had left here because there was simply no more room in the house Jacob and me had bought.

A low, girly squeak escaped me when I saw my ancient version of _Macbeth_. I had been looking for this for ages, determined not to have left it at Charlie's house. Apparently I had been wrong.

I carried the heavy books to the desk and lifted each one up on the half-empty shelf, which now gave the room a more cosy atmosphere.

A few minutes later all the books were stowed on the shelf, all except my _Macbeth_.

I groaned, my arms feeling numb and my feet screaming at me, wanting me to take off my shoes. But I would be brave today.

So I grabbed the vase and took one careful step after the other toward the side table.

I was only a few feet away from the table when a hollow sound underneath my feet distracted me.

I froze immediately and dropped my head down at my feet. Nothing but the floorboards. I wrinkled my nose and shook my head in confusion.

My hands placed the vase on the table in a more than slow movement and walked a few steps back in order to marvel at my masterpiece. Again, the hollow sound distracted me.

"What -?"

I stomped my right feet on the floorboard underneath me and again it sounded concave. Testing the other boards I spent a few minutes with walking through my old room like a maniac and stomping on each board. None of them sounded like the one near to the side table.

A little adventurer had awoken inside me and my mind started to race. What if, whoever built this house, hid something underneath that floorboard? Like in the movies when they find something valuable or important. And why had I never noticed this floorboard before?

Then it came back into my mind. My old commode, which now stood in my living room, used to stand right at the corner of this floorboard.

I was excited. There might be a secret to discover.

My foot stomped on the floorboard again, just making sure my mind did not play any tricks at me. It wasn't. The sound was quite obviously very different from the ones the other boards made.

Slowly and careful not to break my feet in my shoes I knelt down and gently hammered my fist against the wood, feeling slightly stupid. It was hollow. No doubt.

I let my eyes wander trough the room, looking for something to lift the board with.

There was a toolbox next to the bed. I finally kicked of my shoes and my feet immediately felt better. Barefoot now I tip-toed through the room, goose bumps covering my skin right after my feet hit the cold floor.

When I opened the rather dirty box I wondered if Jacob had left it here. He never kept his stuff clean and I couldn't remember to have ever seen my father with a toolbox. However, I was too excited to think about that and so I made my way trough various tools.

It was hopeless. I had absolutely no idea which one to use, so I quickly stepped back to the floorboard and kneeled down again. This time I lowered my head and I felt ridiculous. What was I doing?

Being a total child. Well, just this once.

Hope set inside of me when I realized that the floorboard was loose. I just needed something to lift it.

"Can't be that difficult…"

I remembered seeing a hammer in the toolbox and I could definitely use it for my little mission. So again, I got up and quickly made my way to the bed, grabbing the hammer from the box and I was back at the floorboard in less than a second. At least, it felt like it.

A laughter escaped me while I stuck the flat, sharp back of the hammer into the small cleft between the boards and I carefully started to lift the board.

It was easier than I had thought and with a little force it finally loosened and I dropped the hammer.

My breathing was fast now, my heartbeat racing in anticipation. Probably threw would only be dirt and dust down there, maybe some dead mouses or something like that. But still – who knows?

I grabbed the board and lay it next to me on the floor. Dust covered my hands and the floor around me, the sharp smell of rotten wood and dirt burned my nose.

"Urgh…"

Well, there always has to be a price to pay. And this was an easy one, but still everything but pleasant.

A little fear came over me when I leaned closer to the gap in the floor. I hesitated.

There was nothing I could see for the dust covered my view. But sure like hell I would not stick my hand inside there without knowing what awaited me.

I inhaled deeply and blew as much air as I could into the cloud, making it swirl around my head.

I coughed. This was just disgusting.

But my attempt seemed to work. The dust slowly settled on the floor and granted me a view inside the gap.

_Sometimes I wish my curiosity had never won control over me…_


	4. Destruction

"To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day."

**_- Sir Winston Churchill -_  
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I felt my heart stop beating, a black shadow covered my eyes and every breath burned my throat.

This was a nightmare. Nothing more.

I kept on telling myself that. Over and over until it echoed in my head.

It was no use.

Maybe I should have known that all my luck and peace could not last forever. Things on earth simply aren't made for eternity.

So why had I kept telling myself that instead of preparing myself for the day my luck would burn?

Almost unbearably slow the thick shadow lightened and my eyesight returned.

I wish it wouldn't. Sometimes it is better to stay in the dark than facing the cruelty which light offers.

Just forget bravery and courage.

I was a coward.

And then life returned and my eyes fixed on the depth in front of me. Literally and metaphorically.

It was an abyss I laid my eyes onto. And it was pale and unbearably beautiful and covered in dust and it smiled at me with warm, golden eyes.

_Him_.

With a flash, he was back in my life.

Apparently my assumption that he had taken back everything he had once given me, all reminders of our time together, had been wrong.

It had been something for which I had blamed him. Never for leaving me, but for taking those things away from me.

He never had.

Nothing had ever left these walls. Nothing. Except himself.

All fear was gone when I dropped my hand in between the floorboards and my shaking fingers grabbed the stack of flat items which had been lying in the dust for thirteen years - forgotten.

His picture on the top smiled at me, making my insides feel like fire.

I had forgotten just _what _he had been. No memory could compare to this.

I took the picture between my thumb and forefinger and rested it in my lap, not wanting it to let go of me.

As I expected, there was a second picture underneath. And this time I felt a stabbing pain in my chest.

Something I hadn't felt for a long time. Ever since I had let him go.

Him and Charlie watching TV, a coldness burned on his beautiful face. The total opposite to the his old expression.

This time the picture fell out of my hands, joining the one already placed in my lap.

It´s leaving released a third picture and this time, tears began to run down my cheeks.

_Me_- younger, happy in a way I couldn't remember, still in pain of the unknown.

And him. Cold, and in as much pain as I was.

Us.

A word I hadn't used to describe ourselves for over a decade now.

_We _were standing there, arm in arm –in a strange way both looking not very comfortable with the situation. The contrast between us just as distinct as the one between black and white.

It was still _us_, though.

A teardrop fell from my chin and covered my face on the picture, creating a horrible grimace.

I let the picture fall to the ground and instead tightened my grip on the CD jewel-case in my hands. Never had I thought to be listening to his music ever in my life again.

And here it was. And the memory of the sound of my old lullaby made it´s way back into my consciousness.

More tears covered my skin, rolling over my lips, their salty taste penetrating my mouth.

"Edward"

My voice sounded choked and scratchy. Saying his name was like I finally admitted my lie.

He was what I wanted all the time, just I couldn't have it.

Never had I gotten over him. And I never would.

My mind suddenly reminded me of something. I had everything back from which I had once thought he'd taken it from me. The pictures, the CD and, thick behind the jewel case, the tickets to Florida – long expired. Still, there was something else behind the tickets. Something I didn't miss.

Carefully I put the tickets and the CD away, releasing an envelope.

I trailed off into subconsciousness, opened the thin paper with trembling fingers, drenching it with my tears.

The small piece of paper which I carefully pulled out stabbed my heart. _His_ writing. _My_ name.

_Bella,_

_Don´t read this letter. I wrote it when I was in pain. You are not really supposed to be reading it. Whatever force made you find this letter in the first place is a miracle to me._

_I didn't write it for you to read it so you would do me a favour by not doing so. But I suppose I know you better than that. You will read it._

_I hurt you. I know that. And this is not supposed to be an apology, although I owe you one, neither is it supposed to explain anything._

_To be honest – I have no idea why I am writing this. Writing it while you are out there in the forest, alone. I should save you; I want to. But how can I return once I already left?_

_There is no way back now._

_No matter what I told you Bella, I still have to thank you._

_Apart from everything I said – you made me feel alive again. You gave my life a meaning. Something worth living for._

_You made me believe that I am not quite the monster as which I always used to describe myself._

_You were the only one for me._

_But there is no way we can be together in this world. I don´t want to. This is simply not the way your life, as well as mine, should be like. You belong to your kind an I belong to mine. Me forever, you until the day you die._

_Be happy Bella. Keep your promise._

_I will _

_Edward_

I stood up, dropping all the items in my lap to the floor, ignoring the thump caused by the jewel case, holding on tight to the letter in my hands.

Why did he tell me to keep his promise and break it at the same time?

This was not _leaving_. This was _burning_ himself into my mind – causing agony inside of me nothing compared to the one I had felt when he had vanished into the forest, nothing compared to the hopelessness I had felt while lying on the grounds in the forest, all alone.

_Why_?

Did I really deserve this?

My strength left me and my grip on the letter was weaker until it finally joined the other reminders of my past on the floor.

I was just about to let the blankness come over me, pulling me back down under the surface as it had once before.

But this time, no one would be able to pull me up again.

There would be no _third_ chance for me to live.

But then, something distracted me. The sound of an opening door.

Why was Charlie up here? He shouldn't see me like this again. Should not be pulled down with me.

I forced my arms up to my face, trying to wipe away the salty tears before I made my body turn into the direction of the door.

And what I saw was – a prodigy….


	5. Prodigy

**Thank you all for the lovely comments. I really appreciate it.**

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And if tonight my soul may find her peace  
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,  
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower  
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.

**_- David Herbert Lawrence -_  
**

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Thirteen years had passed since I last saw his face. Nothing had spoiled his perfection over those years; even more than a stature, with which I always used to compare him, he was immune to the changes of time.

For a short second time seemed to stop for me.

Night was falling. Finally.

Jacob was my personal sun and he had lightened up my life over all these years, bringing eternal daylight to my life, never fading, keeping me awake. It had been blinding me like the core of a flame and just now that twilight was over and the night came over me did I realize how tired I was.

Not unhappy, but exhausted of living every second of my life, never sleeping because there had been no night to sleep through for me.

Edward was my night, my moon, my rest and my shelter. And he was back.

The flame inside me, the burning heat, was cooling, goose bumps covering my skin and I could feel the hairs on my neck standing straight.

Sleep came over me, resting me in the pleasure of my eyes, the coolness inside me suddenly turning my blood into ice, freezing me, holding me in my place.

My eyes were fixed on my faith, my god, my future I had lost. Why? Where? How?

He was the same. Not a single minute seemed to have passed since he abandoned me.

His marble skin – just as smooth and solid as it always was, the bronze hair a perfect mess, his lips curled into a light smile while his golden eyes were fixed on me.

Stinging pain started to move up my throat, reminding me to breathe again. I inhaled sharply, grateful for the cool air dripping down my throat, easing the pain.

"Bella?"

His voice.

A symphony to my ears, filling my brain with it´s beauty. Melting honey. How did I live through my life without hearing it?

Even the most savage profanities would sound like a prayer if they were spoken so clearly, like a melody, like a lullaby hummed to child. I doubt that anybody could ever fully understand the word's meanings for they would be too distracted by it´s angelic tone.

"Bella!"

My eyes tried to focus but instead made the room around me look blurry – an insane mixture of colours and light. I closed them in order not to faint. Missing any second of this, this miracle, would be a sin.

Clenching my fists, I tried to hold on to something.

"Bella, what are you doing?"

And then I felt it. And it ripped the floor from underneath my feet, turning my entire world upside down, ripping my heart through my chest. I wanted to scream, show the world my agony – but I couldn't.

It was over now.

My heart had been ripped apart before, stabbed and torn into little pieces, patched together by loving hands, carefully repaired. Now it was gone. He had taken it once and for all.

He had touched me. Ice-cold fingers wrapped around my fists, losing my grip, stroking my skin.

"Bella, please. Open your eyes."

No.

I couldn't. I was dead. Just like him.

My head swung from one side to the other like a lunatic's would.

"Say something. Bella…"

Why didn't he understand? How could I talk to him? I was dead, so was he, but he was immortal.

I wasn't.

The ability to speak had left me together with my heart.

But then I felt it beating. Somewhere. I couldn't feel the steady rhythm inside my chest where it was supposed to be, but somehow I knew that my heart was not dead. It was somewhere out of my reach, but not lost. Still going.

"Bella…"

A shiver ran through me when I felt Edwards cold breath moving the hair around my ears and before I knew it, his strong arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me against his stone chest.

And there it was.

My heartbeat. Inside of _him_.

He was alive for me now.

Slowly the life beating inside my heart left his body, moving underneath my skin, filling me with tension and senses.

"Bella…please."

Yet not being touched by life, my voice was not strong enough. But a low, nearly inaudible whimper left my throat, sounding like the one a puppy makes after being abandoned by his mother.

Edwards hands slowly stroked up my arm, leaving a burning trail of ice on my already numb limb.

"What is it, Bella?"

He placed a soft kiss on my ear, his lips barely touching my skin and I shivered.

Only with an enormous effort was I able to speak after that. My breath was unsteady, fast and I constantly felt the urge to cough.

"Where?"

I had never heard my voice like this. And I could barely hear it now – it was so quiet, so weak.

"What?"

Edward sounded confused and he stepped back a little, I could feel it, and I could feel his gaze on me. Yet I wasn't strong enough to open my eyes.

"Where have you been?"

"Bella, I don´t understand you. What do you mean?"

Tears gathered behind my eyelids and it now took me even more effort to keep them closed than to open them.

"Where were you? All this time…"

"Bella…"

His fingers now brushed over my closed eyes, careful not to hurt me.

"Look at me Bella. Please."

And so I did. Slowly I opened my eyes. They were heavy as stone and tears immediately came streaming down my cheeks.

"Why are you crying?"

The agony in Edwards voice was undeniable and for the first time in all these years, I looked directly into his perfect eyes. He wiped away the tears with his fingers, gently stroking over my skin.

"Why? Where were you?"

The pain in his expression faded and confusion took its place.

"Bella, I really don´t know what you mean. I was downstairs for three minutes. I would have been back here in a second, but your Dad is down there. You don´t expect me to run in front of him, do you? There are no cookies anymore, though. I´m sorry."

A million thoughts were running through my mind and my temples felt like they were set on fire. What was he talking about?

"What? No, you were – you were gone."

More firmly now, he placed his hands on each side of my face, looking deeply into my eyes.

"Bella, what is going on with you?"

"Where is Jacob?"

Edwards forehead crinkled slightly and the break in his perfection was almost unbearable to witness.

"Are you talking about Jacob Black? That boy who called you ´pretty´ at prom?"

"Where is he?"

My voice started to get louder, still it was weak and I felt like I had never spoken before.

"Bella – why should I know where he is? You can go and call if you want to know. But, why? When was the last time you spoke with him anyways?"

"This morning. Just this morning.."

At this point my voice faded into silence with each word. What was happening here?

"Bella, did you dream something strange? You were with me this entire morning. How could you have spoken with him?"

This was going too far. Whatever it was, it needed to stop. Slowly I lifted my own arms and placed my hands over Edwards wrists, showing him to let go of me.

He obeyed.

With weak knees I stepped back a few feet, trying to escape him. Whatever he was.

"Bella? What is it with you?"

"You – you…. You were gone. You left. Why are you back?"

For a short second my eyes left his frame and I was now looking at the part of the room to his right. And it struck me like lighting.

There was my old rocking chair. How did it get there? Charlie had accidentally broken it a couple of years ago while trying to move it down into the living room.

Now my attention was up and I let my eyes wander through the room. My entire body started to tremble when I realized that everything looked just the same as it had when I had been living here.

There was my old furniture. The ancient yellow curtains. My computer. An untidy lot of random items thrown on my desk, my bed, unmade. And then my eyes caught the mirror.

It only took a second for my knees to give in and before I hit the ground, Edwards cold arms caught me, holding my shivering body close to his own.

They were gone. All changes and marks which time had left on myself over the years. Gone. I had been looking at myself, but not seeing the woman I was now – instead it had been my youth, staring back at me with widened eyes from the mirror.

"Bella, let me help you. What is happening here?"

"I think – I – you should tell me – tell me that."

I was sobbing, drenching his shirt with my tears, clinging to his shoulders as though my life depended on it. Letting go was impossible.

Edward was holding me, keeping me as close as possible. His hands moved through my hair and he was rocking my body, soothing me.

"I think you should tell me what is going on with you. Why do you keep saying that I left?"

Minutes passed and I was calming down. My breath began to steady and the shivers which run through my body were getting weaker. Finally I found the strength to use my voice again. It was cracky and almost inaudible, though I knew for sure that Edward understood me just as well as if I had been shouting at him.

"What date do we have?"

"August third."

Edward seemed confused by my question and his answer sounded like a recorded message.

"How old am I?"

"Bella –"

"Just answer me."

"You're seventeen, Bella. But why are you asking me that?"

"I am seventeen?"

"Yes."

"No… I am…. No…."

"Can't you just tell me what is bothering and hurting you like this, love? I can't stand seeing you like this."

Maybe he was right. I considered that for a moment. I had never really spoken about anything that had happened when our time together had ended. But on the other hand, this was _him_. If anybody, he should be the one to know.

"You – you said you didn't want – want me anymore. That you were leaving. Without me. That – that I was not good for – for you. I was alone. You took – took me with you. My – my heart."

"Did you have a nightmare, Bella?"

I shook my head and then lifted it slightly, so I could see his face which was in pain and doubt right now.

"You did all that. All those years ago. I don´t know why you are here right now. I should be older. I – I should be with Jacob right now. Not you…."

"Don´t cry again."

Edwards voice sounded a little broken, as though he was crying while his fingers caught the tears which were once again escaping my eyes.

"So, you say that _this_ is a kind of hallucination of yours?"

He continued to brush his fingers over my skin although my tear had stopped and I lost myself in his golden eyes.

"I don´t know – what this is. All I know is – is that ten minutes ago I was older, and married and a Mum… it was so long since I last saw you – since you left. And now – you are here."

There was silence. Neither of us could say something to explain this. He believed me, believed that something was wrong, that I was not just dizzied my a nightmare. He saw that my pain was real. I could see that in his eyes.

"Tell me what happened, Bella."

The sudden sound of his voice made me shiver and his cold finger stroking over my neck didn't really help.

"Do you really want to know?"

He just nodded and I rested my head against his stone chest, ignoring the cold and preparing for something I had so desperately tried to avoid over the last years. Telling someone what had happened that night.

"It started at my – my eighteenth birthday. I cut myself and – and Jasper… he attacked me. I don´t know… maybe you were blaming yourself for that, but, however, you changed after that. You were so… denying and distant toward me. And then….. "

My fingers were clinging to Edwards shoulders, seeking for hold.

"Then you – you told me that you and the others were leaving…. And you – you denied me my wish to follow you… told me… you didn't want me anymore… you made me promise not – not to do – do anything reckless or stupid… and you promised that… that it would be as if you – you never existed."

I felt strangely relived to finally have told somebody what had happened that day my life changed so drastically.

"You never really kept that promise…"

Edwards hands stroke across my back and I felt like I was home, safe and whole again. This was it. What I always wanted.

"Do you believe me?"

Again I lifted my head to look into his face as if he would show any signs of a lie.

"Bella, I believe you. But this sounds so…. unreal to me. I don´t know why I should say that. Are you sure I really said all that? Was there any reason for me to lie?"

"You think you lied to me?"

Never had I considered that possibility. Then again, why not? But what reason should he have had?

"Maybe… this sounds so.. strange, Bella."

"So you don´t believe me?"

"Bella, I do believe you. But, maybe you imagine things."

"How could I imagine a year of pain and emptiness, that hole ripped in my chest, that feeling to just want to leave this life behind me. How am I supposed to imagine that?"

Anger boiled inside of me and I tried to escape Edwards embrace.

"Bella, please. I didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry. Forgive me."

I calmed down immediately. There was simply no strength in me to fight against him.

"Maybe I can prove it."

"Bella, you don´t have to –"

"Let me. Edward, you said it´s August thirteenth?"

"Yes."

"So it´s my eighteenth birthday in a month?"

"Suppose so, yeah. Why?"

"Did you already plan what you want to give to me?"

"Well, yes. But I don´t want to tell you that."

"You don´t have to. I already know. Well, if I am right."

"So what do you think?"

"A CD? With my lullaby… and your music."

Astonishment showed itself on his face.

"Esme and Carlisle will get me tickets to Florida, right? And the others will get me a stereo for my truck."

Edward just nodded, a mixture between pain and wonder in his eyes. I started crying again and this time, he didn't try to stop me.

We sat there for something that felt like a lifetime, just staring into each others eyes, trying to capture every second we were granted to be together.

"Does this mean that _this_ is some kind of a dream?"

The agony in Edwards voice caused another wave of tears to stream down my face.

"I don´t know. Maybe what I that was my life over the last thirteen years was wrong. Who knows? Maybe it really was a dream, and maybe this is one. I don´t want to know. I just want _you_. Here. With me. Right now."

I buried my face in Edwards chest again and his fingers drew small circles on my back.

"Do you want to tell me about it? What happened after me?"

"I don´t think that would be good. That was my life without you. And now you're here."

"Yeah… I am."

I whimpered when he placed a soft kiss on the top of my head and pulled me closer to his body. My arms wrapped around his stomach and I pressed myself against him.

"I love you, Bella. No matter what I told you."

"And I love you…"

Edward started to kiss my neck and every piece of skin in my face which he could reach. His soft but solid lips barely brushed over my skin and everything felt to perfect and marvellous. My own hands stroke across his back, feeling the stone which was his body.

"I found your letter."

"What?"

And then something unexpected happened. I laughed. Not loud or extraordinarily cheerful. But it was a laughter. It vanished quickly though and I raised my head once again. Edwards face was just inches apart from mine and I felt his cold breath on my tear-drenched face.

"You… when you told me it would be as if you never existed… When I was back home, everything was gone. The CD, the tickets and some pictures which I had taken of you. That was the only thing I ever blamed you for. Taking those things away from me. But you never really did. I found them. Hidden under a floorboard. And there was a letter along with them."

"What did I write you?"

He moved closer toward me and my mind was spinning around.

"Doesn't matter."

In the next second I felt his marble lips on my own, soft and gentle, moving slowly, careful not to hurt me.

My hands found their way to Edwards neck and I started to move them through his hair, while his own hands smoothly caressed my arms, then moved slowly over my back, his fingers drawing circles on their way to my neck.

A sigh escaped me when we parted a smile was set on Edwards face.

"Will you stay with me?"

My voice sounded stronger than it had before, but the pain I felt when I asked this question was just as hard as it had been the moment he had left me.

"Bella…"

Edwards finger brushed over my lower lip and as he reached the corner of my mouth he pulled it up, forcing my lips to form a smile.

"Edward"

He dropped his finger to my neck and pulled me closer to him again. For a second he pressed his lips against mine, more passionate than before. But he almost immediately parted from me again and pulled me against his chest.

"Close your eyes, Bella. Just be alive. For me. This once. I can't explain what this is and maybe it will end soon. But whatever I made you promise that day, I still want you to keep it. Even if I leave now, for whatever reasons and under which circumstances. I will always be with you. Always by your side. I love you too much."

"I know. But, tell me one last thing. Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?"

Edward chuckled.

"If what you said is right, than of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

* * *

**Those last two lines are quotes from _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_, only slightly changed.**

**I tried so hard to make this chapter, at least somehow, romantic but I don´t really know if I succeeded. Let me know ;-)**

**This is technically the last chapter, but there will be a short epilogue after this, explaining the situation. **


	6. Truth

**Thank you all for the lovely comments. I really really appreciate it.**

**So, this is the epilogue and I hope everything will be clear after this.**

**Hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Nothing is lost yet, nothing broken,  
and yet the cold blue word is spoken:  
say goodbye now to the Sun,  
the days of love and leaves are done.

**_- Robert Peter Tristram Coffin -_  
**

---------------------------------------------

When I opened my eyes again, the first thing I saw were Jacobs eyes, looking at me with an expression of pain and worry. His fingers stroke over my cheeks, their touch so very different from the one I had just been given.

"Bella.."

Before I could even answer him I drifted back into unconsciousness, his face, touch and voice fading into nothingness.

--------------

We never talk about this day. Nothing could be changed about it and we have to live with it. With the consequences it had had.

I read the letter every once in a while, drenching it with new tears.

And I always see Jacobs pain whenever he knows that I read it again.

I see the same expression he had had the day Charlie had called him after finding me unconscious on the floor, lying next to all the reminders of my past.

He doesn't want to talk about it. Neither do I. There is no need for us to talk about _him_. There never was.

---------------

I am happy. I love Jacob. I keep my promise.

_He_ didn't.

* * *

**Yeah, I know this is kind of sad and maybe dissapointing. But I just thought that once I decided to let Edward be gone, he should be gone forever.**

**So, please tell me what you think about it ;-)**


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